2010

The year in review has been rather stressful. Although my best friend graduated law school, and while Patrick has been traveling the US for his residency program, I have been in San Jose trying to sort through my future.

But that isn't to say that 2009 wasn't an eventful year for me. This past summer I ended receiving some of the Recovery Act Stimulus money by getting hired by AmeriCorps. I also moved into my own apartment in Japantown in San Jose. It is quite strange to live by yourself versus having roommates. And it is funny how different living by yourself is as opposed to moving out and living with other people. For the first time I traveled out of the country and went to visit to visit Peru, site seeing and of course be able to to stand in awe at Machu Picchu. I was also able to maintain visiting places I had not been in the US; I flew into Detroit for a day to surprise Patrick's grandmother for her 80th birthday. And for the first time in more than ten years I went back to Canada to witness my younger cousin Richard marry his high school sweetheart in July.

I was the first person outside of my sister and Ray to meet and greet my nephew Zach into the world. And in November, Patrick proposed to me in the morning before we were to head out to go visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

2009 has been an eventful year. There are memories I will take with me to enjoy and cherish. There are also memories I rather forget, such as the Fall 2009 semester.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for me. No wedding plans yet, but definitely a trip to a place I haven't been to yet.

Multi-tasking

Between 20 hours of work, 15 units of school (15 hours of school) and assisting my sister with Zach, I don't think anymore, I just do.

And it makes me think, how on earth do people go through school (college, grad school, professional schools) while raising a kid? It boggles my mind honestly.

I've also lost my sanity. Just let this semester end now, thank you.

Biting off more than you can chew

My final year at UCLA was pretty hectic. I had four classes, a part time job that had me working roughly 20 hours a week, and Saturdays that were dedicated to volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. In addition to that, I had meetings to attend in the evening for Habitat.

I thought my life was pretty hectic my last year, yet I some how managed.

This year, I have 15 semester units, and I am somehow averaging 20 hours of work a week. I think I have taken more than I can handle. My GIS class is fantastic, but at the same time the workload is killing me. The studio class I am enrolled in has me making and drawing up maps, in addition to gathering information.

I need some time off in between work and school, or I will burn out soon. Despite all this, I feel like I will be fine. I always complain, but I know I will be fine. I think I thrive on a chaotic schedule.

Back to the Grind

I have been back in the San Jose area for over two weeks now, after vacationing in Peru and Los Angeles. The trip to Peru was cut short for reasons I will not go into on Blogger. The time I did spend in Peru was very enjoyable, and I met some random Canadians as well as a fellow Bruin Alum, thanks to Jaclyn and Kathy.

I would post photos of my trip, but the majority of my readers have either flipped through them on facebook or Picasa.

School started a few weeks ago, and I've been working roughly 20 hours a week at my job with Our City Forest, trying to compensate for the vacation time I took.

In more exciting and serious news, my sister is ready to give birth in less than two weeks! I will soon have a nephew to dote on, however, I will not be spoiling him because I am a very, very poor Aunt. I am excited to welcome a whole new generation of our families (both Ray and my sister's) into the world. Life will change as we know it, and everything around it will too.

That's my life in a nutshell.

Oh yes, my work has been postponed for a semester. Personally, I don't care anymore because it's time that I start finishing things on my own pace.

Independence

Leaving Los Angeles was probably the most independent thing I had done in my adult life. But I can't state that I was truly independent and on my own since I moved in with my sister in San Jose. This summer will be the last time I will have people to regularly talk with. This will be my last month where I will enjoy having the luxury of living with people.

Yesterday, I received a call stating that my rental application was accepted, and that I finally had a place to call "home" for the upcoming school year. In addition to that, I accepted the position of Urban Forestry Specialist with Our City Forest, a non-profit AmeriCorps group that is dedicated to planting trees and educating people on the benefits and maintenance of trees. My best friend says I'm a hippie, but really I am not. I love the environment, but I also care a lot about social equity, which is seemingly left out of the equation of "quality of life" in planning.

Anyway, my new apartment will be in Japantown, in San Jose. It's only a half of a mile walk to my work place with AmeriCorps, and a mile from school. I will end up biking to school since my classes are late, but it's pretty exciting I guess. It is a little daunting to be living on my own, especially since I'm female. Hoepfully I will be okay. You are all welcome to stay with me, but I can't guarantee you that my schedule won't be crazy :)

Apartment Hunting

I've been searching for a place to live for about two weeks now. The first apartment I saw I fell in love with, but then after reading some disturbing reviews (safety is my biggest concern), I withdrew the possibility of moving into the complex.

After seeing five different places, and checking out a townhouse with the possibility of living with random people, I have concluded that I will probably live on my own. It is both frightening and exciting. Frightening because I am a single female moving to an area that is most certainly not by any means a college town, and exciting because it will be the very first time I will have ever lived by myself.

It's essentially come down to two places, both located on the same street, just a block apart. Whether or not I get the place is out of my hands. The mere mention of being a student has frightened many people away. Alas, that is life. Hopefully I'll have a place, and a job as well. Sigh.

Philosophies

About a month ago I met up with an old high school friend in Berkeley. She started talking to me about how her political views had shifted. Once she considered herself a fairly far-left leaning liberal, but after attending college at Berkeley and being around students and residents, she just became a regular liberal.

When I talk to my best friend on the phone, I tell her that I now know that the hippies up here differ from the hippies down in Los Angeles. Actually, I don't even think Angeleno "hippies" can be classified as hippies.

After hanging out with some classmates tonight, I felt like I was the most conservative person there, even though I know I'm not. I guess my "materialistic" outlook on Birckenstock's (I associated these shoes with lazy, and poorly dressed people) gave it away that I was not a "Nor Cal" resident. Birkenstock's are just okay, and are not terribly comfortable.

I miss Los Angeles, and I miss Patrick. I just want to go home already.

Saying goodbye when saying hello

About two weeks ago my laptop starting to shutdown randomly by itself, and this was all happening while I was talking on the phone with my best friend. Initially, it seemed like there was something loose and that my laptop could be easily fixed. Anyway, upon further inspection from Ray, it was discovered that the part of my laptop that was loose was actually damaged. At some point and time in the past 4.5 years I had my IBM Thinkpad, I dropped it and caused it to crack. Most presumably it was recent, but alas, my laptop has expired. Sadly, my Thinkpad has now joined the graveyard of all the other Thinkpads in this household. And by all I mean three, which is more than most people have. All together, there are three functional laptops, and three dead ones, making a total of six. Don't ask.

So, after much thought and consideration, I decided to go with a Dell Inspiron 1500 series. It's a little lighter than my Thinkpad, and a definite upgrade. It's all black, so it looks sleek and sexy, with a 15.4 inch WLED screen. I'm still getting used to using this keyboard because more often than not, I accidentally hot key a bajillion things and I don't have the foggiest idea on how I do it.

My new laptop also arrived during the beginning of my spring break and at the beginning of March Madness. When school resumes, I can finally bring my laptop to class. Yes folks, it seems that while I am in grad school, the laptop is the preferred choice of equipment to bring with you. I do not know why, but I am simply following the herd now.

Also, I leave for New Mexico at the end of this week, visiting my old college roomate Makah and her fiancee. Rather exciting. Patrick and I got them some board games, which I know they will like. I'm still trying to figure out what else to get them as a housewarming gift. Do you guys have any suggestions? I'd truly appreciate any suggestions right now :)

As for work, I am still enjoying it, even though I feel completely inept at times. I'm getting the hang of using Microsoft Access, Excel dbf files, and ArcGIS. Slowly, but surely. Everyone is still cheery, friendly, and nice so no complaints on my end here. Supervisor is still helpful and patient with me.

And a random side note/thoughts. I've realized that, over the years, a majority of the people I dated - no matter how brief - have been Catholic. They weren't very religious, but none-the-less I think they were all baptized. The run down is: B, Catholic; M, Catholic; D, Catholic; and Patrick, Catholic. I know, don't ask me why, but I guess I'm attracted to people who are baptized Catholic but are definitely not religious. Patrick is technically Catholic, and he's the closest person to me in my life. Then there's my bestfriend, who happens to be a lapsed Catholic as well. Second closest. Again, I don't know what this means.

There's my update. Hope everyone has had a great spring break, or is currently enjoying their time off like I am.

Classes

Last semester was really uninspiring for me. I disliked all my classes not because the professors were bad, but because they were not very interesting, or engaging for that matter. Maybe I have too high of an expectation for certain subject matters, but I doubt it. Statistical methods just does not stimulate me in any way. At least this semester I can look forward to one of my classes, which keeps me a little more sane now that I'm juggling full time enrollment and two internships.

My Environmental Justice course is great because it's different from the rest of the classes here, mostly due in part to the fact that it is mostly lecture based, with an academic flair. I'm sure you are wondering why I would enjoy a class like this that is not really preparing me for the mundane daily work routine. Well, to be honest, I came to the conclusion last semester that I enjoy being involved with people and their issues. Even though my internship with the County of Alameda doesn't have me work with people in the area on a regular basis, I focus on social issues that impact the community at large. That's better than sitting at a desk all day analyzing staff reports and grant proposals, or coordinating graphics and board meetings. If I can focus on social issues affecting a community, then by golly, I'm content. Anyway, the discipline of planning has always taken a fairly straight-edge approach to dealing with issues in a city, but rarely did this discipline actually focus on the needs and wants of people, and the impacts project developments have on their lives. It was not until recently that the idea and concept of incorporating people into the development projects started occurring.

Envrionmental Justice is similar to Social Justice, except that in the case of Environmental Justice, there is the intention of locating harmful/hazardous projects next to a minority community. And through my internship, we focus on the issue of equity, and equitable distribution of services. It ties up rather nicely, relating to issues of access to fresh produce, walkability in the community, services like medical clinics, and location of schools. Access to transportation. Things like that.

Anyway, I love my class this semester. I think I found my niche after all these years of searching. I've known now for the longest time that I wanted to be involved with people, and the environment, I just didn't know what. I have also known that working for a non-profit group would probably make me jump for joy, and my professor has already indicated that if I ever want to be in contact with someone from Communities for a Better Environment, he could help me out. I do, and in fact, I want to intern with this group. And my supervisor at my internship also indicated that he could help me out as well.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I also wanted to mention that my supervisor at the Public Health Department is super nice and great to work with. Unlike my old position down in Los Angeles, I have a boss that is willing to help me out. On Friday, I was floored because he asked me if I wanted to meet with some Oakland city planners, and if so, he could arrange for a meeting this week. What a fantastic, nice, wonderful person! My problem is that I do not reach out for help or networking because I'm so intimidated by the business world. Oh well, this is a great journey for me.

By the way, the cities of Long Beach and Oakland, according to Wikipedia (har har, such a reliable source) are the most diverse cities in the United States. Crazy, huh?

Internship

My internship with the Alameda County Public Health Department is much more rewarding that what I expected it to be. First, I get to learn a new skill: GIS. I'm going to be geocoding population data (currently working with Social Services) and mapping out information. Second, I get to wrangle information out of people in regard new streets, or other information that the agency can get its hands on. Third, I'm learning a lot of technical skills (which is a little boring), but still important on my resume.

The downside, of course, is that I am unpaid. Despite making zero dollars, I look forward to getting to work and collaborating with my supervisor and other members in the division I'm in. Everyone is super friendly and nice. And, get this, I ENJOYED the staff meeting I attended today. Yes. Unlike my last job, I don't dread waking up wondering WHY I AM HERE.

Another downside is that I have to commute. I drive to the Fremont BART station, which takes about 20 minutes, and then I ride BART into Oakland, which takes about 40 minutes. Even though it takes an hour out of my day, I have the option of reading some stuff for my class. At least I'm not wasting my time sitting in the car.

I really like what the Public Health department does here, or at least the analytical and evaluating part.

Keeping busy

So, February 20th marks the end of my fourth week back in school. Some of you may be giving me dirty looks behind the computer screen, but I say, YOU ARE GOING TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL IN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS. I still have over a year to go, unfortunately.

Last semester I was absolutely lazy: no job, classes Monday - Thursday, for only three hours at a time. I tend to have this problem where I do absolutely nothing, but then a few months later, I decide to maximize my time to the point where it's almost ridiculous.

This semester I am enjoying my classes a little more. I still haven't officially decided whether or not I would want to stay here in San Jose, but it's looking like I will more and more each day. And I'm busy. I have two internships: one with the County of Santa Clara researching Historic Preservation incentives, and the other with the Alameda County Public Health Department geocoding population data by Census block tract. Kind of tedious. Oh well. I am interning Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, but the majority of my time will be spent commuting to Oakland. And I finally got health insurance, which may give me the opportunity to finally volunteer for Habitat for Humanity again!

And by the way, I like Oakland. If I had to live in the Bay Area, it'd be in Oakland. Of course, I feel guilty by living there because I would be contributing to the gentrification of the area, or at least, part of the Oakland area. The Oakland Hills have always been a nice place.

Angeleno

I never left Los Angeles until now, and I lived in Los Angeles the longest out of all my siblings. I stayed in L.A. for college. For a long time, up until I graduated from UCLA, I always complained about Los Angeles, saying that one day I would leave.

I left.

However, now that I am in the Bay Area, I realized how much I miss home, how much I miss the it. I honestly am not that excited about San Francisco (nor am I impressed by San Franciscans attitudes towards their southern counterpart). Don't get me wrong, I think San Francisco and the surrounding Bay Area communities are nice and pleasant, but it just is not home to me. I prefer the warmer weather. I miss the older ethnic neighborhoods in Los Angeles. I miss the hiking trails. I miss biking around Santa Monica. I admit the transit is terrible in Los Angeles, but despite the traffic, I still prefer it down there.

Most of all, I actually miss the socio-economic and political issues in the city.

As my professor said, when he found out I was from LA, "Don't tell anyone from the Bay Area that you ACTUALLY like Southern California."

I figured that out last semester already.

Regrets

The semester here is almost over, and all my frustration came out like a torrent of rain when I was talking to my classmate yesterday at school. While we were waiting to talk to our Stats professor, we vented out our frustration with the program and the lack of courses.

I typically follow through with my decisions, riding out the bad wave. But this time, I realized how unhappy I was at San Jose. I like my peers, and the setting isn't bad. What has brought me down is the scarcity, or lack there of, of key courses offered here. As I sit here pondering my profession career, I wonder if I should have gone to Cal Poly Pomona. Some people wondered why I didn't apply to schools like Berkeley, USC, or UCLA. Well that is pretty simple to answer: I did not want to take the GRE's. I have nothing against smaller schools like Pomona or San Jose, so as long as I feel my education is worth-while.

So here I am, nearing the end of my first semester frustrated. Frustrated that I have to wait an entire year to take a GIS course, which is practically a required skill Planners should have in today's world, I feel like I won't be able to compete in the market. There are only four full time faculty members, so the diversity I have work with is nil. So now I am reconsidering my options. I know that there are things of interest to me in the Planning field, so I know I won't be abonding my career choice. It's a matter of, should I leave San Jose State and apply to Pomona, or if I should just stick it out?

Holidays

Thanksgiving break is next week and I am so excited about coming home to Los Angeles for more than two days! It's funny because I don't know what I will be doing exactly, but all I know is that I'm really excited. I miss Los Angeles terribly.

Also, I get to fly home on a private jet from SFO to John Wayne (OC), avoiding lines and the hassle of driving back. Steve Chen is Ray's really good friend, so he offered to take us down to in his jet. So I leave Wednesday afternoon, fly in and drive up to L.A. Then I fly out Sunday evening. It's pretty cool, and I'm very grateful for this.

Another big plus is that Patrick and I will be spending Thanksgiving together for the first time ever, under stressful circumstances. Patrick is currently doing his Trauma rotation at UCLA, and he has to work Wednesday and Friday, and maybe Thanksgiving. This means he has no time to go home to Vegas. I know my parents are more than happy to have Patrick over for Thanksgiving, and I know my relatives are going to be surprised this year, too.

Adventures in the Bay

It has almost been two months since I moved up to San Jose, and in all honesty I haven't done a lot. The first two weeks of my stay in the third largest city in California led me to a wine tasting adventure with my sister, Ray and their friends in Napa. The following weekend I headed out to Yosemite with the usual crew, and the usual excess amount of people on our campsite. I miss camping because I can eat as much as I want and still not feel bad about my food consumption because of all the activity I do. But as usual, I digress.

Things up here have been fairly mellow. I have been going to classes, and I kept up with the reading for the first four weeks. Now I have fallen a little behind. There is one class in particular that I do not care for, but I won't mention which one it is. It requires writing "Reflective Memos" after each assignment. I find these "short memos" (in which case, they are never truly short) to be somewhat helpful, but mostly it annoying and a waste of time. Reflective memos I feel work better as an in class assignment, but that's my opinion.

I met up with an old roommate of mine from UCLA. We lived together our first year when we transferred to UCLA, and then had an unmentioned falling out. Over the years I felt bad for how things went between us, and for a while I thought our rift and differences were enhanced by another roommate, whom shall remain anonymous. Anyway, I met up with her and some mutual friends in the City. That was fun because I don't know San Francisco very well and I got to see some old college friends. We actually met up again last weekend, playing Outburst and Transamerica. It ended up being a double date on accident at a Stanford graduate recreation room. That was a lot of fun too. And yes, Patrick came up to visit me last weekend. I had gone down to Los Angeles the previous weekend.

Patrick and I doing well considering the fact that we had never been separated for a long extended period of time. We see each other about twice a month, whenever possible. We also talk on the phone every night. I miss him a lot. I miss our conversations at night, and watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report together. I miss our evening walks. Despite our separation, we're managing. Luckily for us, we only live a few hours away by driving or an hour flight's time. It isn't the worst case scenario, but it certainly isn't a great one either way.

When I went back to Los Angeles, I saw Patrick, my family, and my friend Sonya. I went to to the UCLA vs. Fresno State game and met up with my friends Kim and Dan and proceeded with a tailgate. Fresno beat UCLA, but not by much. That is a vast improvement over the last few games UCLA played. I didn't get to see a lot of people when I went down to LA, but at least I saw some of my good friends. Always a plus.

Now I am back in San Jose, going to classes, wishing I was back on the quarter system. The semester goes by so slowly, and it is extremely painful to sit through a class when you dislike it. I'm already on week five of school, and I think to myself, my God if this were UCLA I'd be half way done with this hellish course. Of course, I am not so fortunate. Oh yes, and I brought my bike back with me. Riding around San Jose is like riding around Nebraska. Flat. Whatever strength I had climbing hills quickly diminished when I left my bike in Los Angeles. Now, I feel it is non-existant. Ah well. That's my life in a nutshell.

Please save me.

Conscious efforts

Initially, when I first started college, I had this vague notion about grades and their purpose in my life. Of course, now that I am older, I realize how important a single letter can be. That letter can decide whether or not you will be accepted to schools, whether or not you will need to take the GRE's, and whether or not you receive accolades and rewards.

I am no such person. I hate grades, especially when I am feeling rather apathetic about my education. This tends to occur in life cycles for me. Perhaps at a certain point I will feel that need to push myself harder, trying to obtain those ever-so-hard-to reach A's. Then I think to myself, are grades the most important thing to me? If not, then what is?

So I sat and thought about this a lot. I thought about the pressure of trying to be perfect, about trying to improve myself. A lot of effort goes into restraining myself from being a smart ass in class. But I figured, no, grades are not the most important part of life. They may be to the university and in the pursuit of an even higher educational goal, but I figure, if I can display what I learned effectively, doesn't that reflect my intelligence more so?

Now let's be honest here, I am not what you consider a humble person. I like to mumble to myself in class when I'm bored, or if I am learning about the Renaissance for the seventh time! Not to mention that the profession/planner is some sort of wannabe yuppie hipster that I want to just smack. All right, so I vented a little bit... and digressed...

When I am not challenged in the academic setting I begin to lose interest in the subject rapidly. So far, since returning to school, I have actually kept up with the reading assignments. Okay, for the most part I have kept up with the reading assignments. Those are fine, but the lectures can be terrible boring or horribly organized. That's why I lose interest. Challenge me, make me sweat and be afraid of the course. If not, at least make it somewhat interesting.

So now, after the third week of school, I have already begun to wonder if I was ever enthusiastic about graduate school. No, I miss academia. At the same time, I can't spend or afford to spend the rest of my life as a student. Perhaps I missed a path years ago due to the lack of confidence i had in myself, in my writing abilities, and my methods of research. Then again, San Jose State isn't a true academic setting, at least, not in the theoretical terms. Honestly, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever find my nitch in life.

Wasn't I supposed to know what I wanted five years ago?

San Jose

Los Angeles was behind me as I drove north towards San Jose on August 15. Leaving home, and all that I was familiar with, behind me was a strange feeling because all I had ever known was Los Angeles. Leaving part of my past, and frankly, a little part of my heart. The urban environs I had accustomed to are not here, at least not in the sense I knew.

But here I am in the south bay of the Bay Area. San Jose is the third largest city in the state of California, behind Los Angeles and San Diego. Unpacking my life from a mere duffel bag, a small carrier on roller, and two boxes was almost surreal. Saying goodbye to Patrick at the airport and not returning to him, or him to me, is strange. I rested for a bit and had some leisure time before school started. The Urban Planning Commission (UPC) planned a new graduate student orientation on August 22. I toured the library, our faculty offices and the Urban and Regional Planning department. One of the more exciting things I found out was that I have an actual mail box, all for myself, labeled with my name! Then after that, we toured the San Jose State University and San Jose City library. It is both an academic and public library for students and public alike. It's pretty nice, with a beautiful view of downtown San Jose.

After finishing up the tour, the UPC organized a gathering at a local bar called Mission Ale House. I went because, well, I am a sucker for bars. Unfortunately the bar lied to me because on their website it stated that they had Newcastle on tap. You know how it goes.

So fast forward to today. I have attended three out of four of my classes. Most of them are in the late afternoon, from 4:00-6:45 p.m. The work load doesn't seem too heavy, but I could be entirely wrong on my assessment. I have my last class tomorrow night, and it's California Land Use and Planning Law. I have mixed feelings. Ah well, the procession continues.

The Return

Despite all the complaints I had about my job, I realized that I actually grew from my experience here. For the life of me I never felt compelled to work in the public sector, yet here I am, working for "The Man" doing a public service by providing communities the opportunity to enjoy parkland space, whether it was a traditional recreational facility or open space for hiking, horseback riding or trail riding.

It hasn't quite sunken in that I will be returning to school for my Master's. My Master's... I never would have thought that I would actually be obtaining (or at least trying to) that degree. Most of my friends are already in graduate school, doing either research or in a professional setting. A great majority of my friends are in the Health Sciences field (off the top of my head J, D, P, K and K). There are a few law students here and there... but again, many of the people I keep in contact with are furthering their educational career.

I'm a bit apprehensive about returning to school as I have not written any sort of paper in depth or at a great length in a long time. Nor have I researched a topic of interest. The last academic book I read was about Los Angeles and planning. Hopefully this won't be too much of a problem, but again, I am a little apprehensive and scared. And yes, I will have to submit a thesis, defending my dissertation. There have been a few topics I have been toying with, such as urban revival and gentrification. In there comes the biggest issue we still continue to face today: affordable housing for the working class people. Who knows what I end up doing. Let's hope I know soon so I can finish the program in two years.

Florida and Utah

Getting to my destination is never the problem, it's returning home that is.

Anyway, I had a fantastic time in Florida and camping in southern Utah. Apparently I missed the week long heat-wave in Los Angeles while I was out looking like a deranged woman while I was camping in the Colorado plateau.

Will post photos later on this evening when I return home.
And for those of you who read my blog, I was recently accepted into San Jose State's Master's in Urban Planning program. That's right, I will be returning to school, leaving behind my job. All I have to do now is put in my notice. I'll do that when my supervisor is actually at work.

Apprehension

When I went through college I thought my life would be sorted out for me at the end, or at least sorted enough to know where I wanted to be headed. So far, this revelation has yet to come to me. I told myself that I would apply to grad school. That kept getting pushed back farther, and farther where it has reached the point of almost two years of delay.

Even though I have a job, most certainly something I do not view as a career, the fear of being "stuck to the grind" has essentially relegated my thinking into placid acceptance. More than ever though I feel as though I am not graduate school material. Especially here. Most of my doubt stems from the fact that I somehow managed to weasel my way into a position where, I admit fully, I am not the best suited candidate. The one positive thing coming from this job, okay two because I have gained some experience, is that I realized this is not what I want in my life. As much as I care about the environment with the issues of development and open space, I care more about people. My concerns lie within the market of community development, which encompasses social justice, an interest of mine I would like to explore. But this broad based term allows me to explore the possibilities ranging from local development, to researching (hopefully) the concerns of the population within the said community, and even the possibility of historic preservation.

Obviously, my ultimate fear is not being accepted into school. Even though I have the grades for the most part, I am scared that the two schools I'm applying to will not accept me. First, my biggest fear is that because I am choosing not to take the GRE, I will be put into a second pile of maybes. I have never been the best standardized test taker, and I mean that. To this day, even when I studied properly, my multiple choice exams have hindered my grades in classes. And there were my essays, gleaming with a proud A next to a C with that evil scan-tron. Second is my awful personal statement. To be honest, I have no clue on how to get across why grad school would better me for my professional goals. The way it has been worded makes me feel as though I should be striving for a business like goal when in reality, it is not.

I take that back, my ultimate fear is, even if I do get in, regretting the choice I made for my professional life.