Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Conscious efforts

Initially, when I first started college, I had this vague notion about grades and their purpose in my life. Of course, now that I am older, I realize how important a single letter can be. That letter can decide whether or not you will be accepted to schools, whether or not you will need to take the GRE's, and whether or not you receive accolades and rewards.

I am no such person. I hate grades, especially when I am feeling rather apathetic about my education. This tends to occur in life cycles for me. Perhaps at a certain point I will feel that need to push myself harder, trying to obtain those ever-so-hard-to reach A's. Then I think to myself, are grades the most important thing to me? If not, then what is?

So I sat and thought about this a lot. I thought about the pressure of trying to be perfect, about trying to improve myself. A lot of effort goes into restraining myself from being a smart ass in class. But I figured, no, grades are not the most important part of life. They may be to the university and in the pursuit of an even higher educational goal, but I figure, if I can display what I learned effectively, doesn't that reflect my intelligence more so?

Now let's be honest here, I am not what you consider a humble person. I like to mumble to myself in class when I'm bored, or if I am learning about the Renaissance for the seventh time! Not to mention that the profession/planner is some sort of wannabe yuppie hipster that I want to just smack. All right, so I vented a little bit... and digressed...

When I am not challenged in the academic setting I begin to lose interest in the subject rapidly. So far, since returning to school, I have actually kept up with the reading assignments. Okay, for the most part I have kept up with the reading assignments. Those are fine, but the lectures can be terrible boring or horribly organized. That's why I lose interest. Challenge me, make me sweat and be afraid of the course. If not, at least make it somewhat interesting.

So now, after the third week of school, I have already begun to wonder if I was ever enthusiastic about graduate school. No, I miss academia. At the same time, I can't spend or afford to spend the rest of my life as a student. Perhaps I missed a path years ago due to the lack of confidence i had in myself, in my writing abilities, and my methods of research. Then again, San Jose State isn't a true academic setting, at least, not in the theoretical terms. Honestly, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever find my nitch in life.

Wasn't I supposed to know what I wanted five years ago?

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