Thursday, May 8, 2008


When I went through college I thought my life would be sorted out for me at the end, or at least sorted enough to know where I wanted to be headed. So far, this revelation has yet to come to me. I told myself that I would apply to grad school. That kept getting pushed back farther, and farther where it has reached the point of almost two years of delay.

Even though I have a job, most certainly something I do not view as a career, the fear of being "stuck to the grind" has essentially relegated my thinking into placid acceptance. More than ever though I feel as though I am not graduate school material. Especially here. Most of my doubt stems from the fact that I somehow managed to weasel my way into a position where, I admit fully, I am not the best suited candidate. The one positive thing coming from this job, okay two because I have gained some experience, is that I realized this is not what I want in my life. As much as I care about the environment with the issues of development and open space, I care more about people. My concerns lie within the market of community development, which encompasses social justice, an interest of mine I would like to explore. But this broad based term allows me to explore the possibilities ranging from local development, to researching (hopefully) the concerns of the population within the said community, and even the possibility of historic preservation.

Obviously, my ultimate fear is not being accepted into school. Even though I have the grades for the most part, I am scared that the two schools I'm applying to will not accept me. First, my biggest fear is that because I am choosing not to take the GRE, I will be put into a second pile of maybes. I have never been the best standardized test taker, and I mean that. To this day, even when I studied properly, my multiple choice exams have hindered my grades in classes. And there were my essays, gleaming with a proud A next to a C with that evil scan-tron. Second is my awful personal statement. To be honest, I have no clue on how to get across why grad school would better me for my professional goals. The way it has been worded makes me feel as though I should be striving for a business like goal when in reality, it is not.

I take that back, my ultimate fear is, even if I do get in, regretting the choice I made for my professional life.

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